November 02, 2022
2022 Holidays, Family Conflict, Prevention, Resolution πŸŽ„πŸŽ

It's time to break out the pumpkin spice lattes, y'all. β˜• This is the special holiday edition podcast..... πŸŽ™οΈ


Transcript

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It's time to break out the pumpkin spice lattes, y'all. This is the special holiday edition podcast. Here Vanessa, your host today to talk with you about preventing family conflict, aka unnecessary family drama this holiday season. I want your holiday season to be peaceful and joyful and having as much pumpkin spice everything everywhere, imaginable and unimaginable with all the fixings. Instead of fighting with everyone under the sun, specifically your family, or In laws or Ex in laws or a coparent or Ex or whoever you may have the most conflictual relationship with at this time in your life, I'm aware. Increasingly so. More and more people are in and out of family court like it's their full time job, are spending tens of thousands of dollars on legal fees and lawyers who may or may not be that helpful for them in their life. And these problems don't just stop because it's the holidays. If you're in a nasty custody battle, a nasty divorce, you don't get along with someone, you don't get along with family members, it's likely not to just cease and stop because it's the holidays. In fact, these problems tend to intensify right around the holidays. And so today I'm going to bring you some really practical information and resources so you can avoid unnecessary holiday drama. I want your holiday to be peaceful, not a complete fiasco. A lot of co parents, aka people that used to be married or used to be in a romantic relationship and had children, no longer are together but still have those children, need to co parent. Those children successfully seem to be unable to get along anymore. It's almost as if, if you want to find someone that you hate more than anyone else in your life, just get married and have kids. It's almost like a guarantee you're going to hate each other. I'm being a little sarcastic right now, but seriously, I've never seen people as angry as people that have been divorced or separated and now have children to coparent. It is a serious issue to the point where people are ending up in jail over this. People are ending up with lawyers and in family court and cannot stop fighting over this stuff. So one of the really practical tips if you are in that situation is to strongly consider the merits of finding a neutral pickup drop off location that is safe for you and your family so that you can decrease conflict and unnecessary drama, not just during this holiday season, but year round. There are neutral drop off pick up locations all around the country. Unfortunately, there aren't as many as what I think needs to be. It's called monitored exchange. That's actually the formalized title of it. And a monitored exchange is basically a place where you can bring your child, leave the child, the child is supposed to be supervised with people that are background checks and everything and they will watch your child and you leave. And then the co parent or co parent will come in and pick up the child and leave. And so you two don't ever have to see each other, talk with each other in person, nothing. And this can be a lot safer and more peaceful for people year round if there's a lot of conflict and a lot of fighting and a lot of just disagreements about anything and everything imaginable. In fact, the worst thing it seems like people can do for themselves is meeting in nonneutral locations like your ex inlaws who you hate potentially and bringing that conflict in front of your child. It's not healthy and a lot of times it's not even safe. Especially as conflict continues to escalate and the drama continues to unfold in your family. And if you're fighting over who has the kids for Thanksgiving versus who has them for Christmas and who gets what weekend, it can continue to intensify to the point of leading to potential domestic violence. And nobody needs that drama this holiday season. Is there an option in your area? If you don't find one that you feel is a good fit or a good option? You can always contact your local police department and ask them do you know of anywhere nearby where you can have a neutral monitored exchange of children or a drop off pickup location? You can also call Children and Family Services and ask the same question. That is a good option because they may know as well. And also police departments in some areas are serving as the neutral ground to exchange children. In some cases not all. But evidently in some areas that's what's happening is what I'm hearing. So it really varies depending upon what part of the country you're in as far as what's going to be available and if it's going to cost money versus if it's not going to cost money. Another tip for avoiding unnecessary coparenting drama this holiday season is to consider seeking professional help from a licensed clinician that is professionally trained and able and willing to assist you in your coparent with developing a formalized coparenting plan. You may be asking yourself what on earth is a formalized coparenting plan? Well, a formalized plan would be one that's in writing that both parties agree to, such as you and your coherent. And a coparenting plan. The whole purpose of it is for when two parties of co parents. You and your co parents don't agree on a whole lot of anything to sit down with a trained professional that can help you walk you through agreeing to a long term coparenting plan where you can successfully work with your coparent to raise your children and reduce unnecessary drama and conflict in the process of coparenting long term. That's the idea of a coparenting plan. Now many people that are involved in the family court system evidently are court ordered to go through this process. But it doesn't have to be that way. You can voluntarily, outside of family court seek professional help to develop a formalized coparenting plan that a trained professional that does this day in and day out can help you with facilitating. Now, if you're in God only knows what part of the country you're going to have to really seek this out on your own. Other related issues tend to be in laws, in laws tend to be hot topic issues and there may be a variety of reasons for that. Maybe you guys just don't like each other and you just don't get along. Or maybe your in laws are extremely perpetually disrespectful of you. Maybe your significant other married someone that is nothing like their mother intentionally and therefore your mother in law now hates you and does not hesitate to express how you do not measure up to her expectations ever and never will. Well, that is a really toxic situation for someone to be subjected to and it can be abusive, can lower someone's self esteem, can lead to all kinds of conflict and holiday drama and nobody needs that. So one way to solve this problem is to explain or have their significant other explain to their in law, their mother or their father that hey, we're going to need you to stay at this hotel, maybe even consider paying for as a token of hospitality. Put them in a nice hotel. Don't put them in the, you know, rap trap motel, base motel down the road. Put them in a nice hotel, you know, where they have a lot of perks and it's really nice and it's real neutral for them instead of your house. And then consider going out with them in a neutral location for Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas dinner. These days it amazes me how many nice restaurants are open during Thanksgiving or Christmas day and offer gorgeous meals, reasonable prices, all things considered, handle all the clean up and all the stuff that could potentially cause you holiday drama. And so if you meet with them in this neutral location, it's likely that you will experience less family drama because you're in a neutral location and it's time limited. Maybe you're there for 2 hours and then they go back to their hotel, you go back to your home and that's it. And consider continuing to meet with them during the holidays, during neutral locations. In neutral locations. So, for example, a lot of cities offer holiday festivities that are beautiful, that may be completely free and you can meet with your in laws there and it's very nice. You can bring the kids, they can meet with their grandparents, it can be really festive. Keep the focusing on, focus on the joy, on peace, on children on the holiday festivities and that is likely to prevent a lot of unnecessary conflict. Maybe not 100% all of the conflict, but certainly maybe a good chunk of it that otherwise would be further fueled by being in your home where they can critique your decor, your parenting or perceived parenting techniques and so on and so forth. So these are just some basic holiday tips that I've come up with as I've thought about a lot of the problems that people have in this day and age and I think are worthy of consideration in order to potentially decrease family drama unnecessary conflict this holiday season. By utilizing the monitored exchange that we mentioned earlier. By utilizing the neutral Meetup locations. By putting the in laws in hotels far too often. Instead of the holidays being a peaceful. Joyful time where you can take time off from your work and the things that are stressing you out. Often times it ends up being a time where people are so stressed out. So upset. Can't wait till the time is over and no one needs to live like that. No one needs that drama in their life. Happy Holidays. I hope you make it a good one.